Status Update & cut scene

So, this chapter is hell. HELL. I have written over 10 000 words and had to scrap all of it because it was shit. None of the characters sounded like themselves, it felt stiff, it was boring and just ugh.

It's one of the most emotional scenes in the story and it's just not coming out properly. I think the problem is that I have nothing to draw from to write it. I mean, I know she feels betrayed and hurt and angry, but how would she react? Once I figure that out I think I can finally get it to actually work and flow like her. 

I have managed to rewrite about 3 000 words but a little over 2 000 are most likely going to get scrapped because 1. it still doesn't have the oomph I need and the voice is off and 2.it's backstory that is necessary for the story but not for the readers.

So to make up for my lack of presence I'm going to put it up on here. If I don't finish the current chapter by the end of this month I'm aiming to post another one of AJ's POV's up or something. Scene under the cut.

Thank you to the people who are waiting patiently and not spamming me anonymously. I know it's taking a while, telling me to update isn't going to make it come any faster.  

I felt as if I was hearing everything from a distance, like a spectator at a sporting event or as if I was at a play or something. I knew what was happening, I was aware of the ramifications of it all, but it didn’t affect me.

Except, for that to be true to the fullest I would be numb, and I wasn’t. I hurt. I hurt a lot. I’ve always found it funny when people say things about sticks and stones and words, you know the rhyme. Because as someone who has had broken bones and who has nasty words thrown at them, I think it’s what someone says and does, even if they don’t physically hurt you, are the things that can really make you hurt.

I shook my head rapidly, taking deep breaths to try and force the feeling away because AJ wouldn’t do that. AJ loved me. He told me he loved me and AJ was a lot of things but he wasn’t a liar.

“I don’t get it. I just… I don’t understand.” I had eyes only for AJ, barely keeping my words crisp as I tried to force him to answer me.

“Dios Mio, are you deaf?” Anita snapped, sharply. “Oh wait…” She trailed off, her words stabbing me like slivers of glass. Sharp and unexpected, small but painful as they burrowed into my skin and stayed there. I flinched, turning to look at Anita, waiting for her to finish her sentence only to realize that she couldn’t.

Jared had his hand wrapped firmly around her throat, a vein in his forehead throbbing violently even as he stared at her, his jaw clenched tightly while she stared at him wide-eyed and pale. I opened my mouth, then shut it just as quickly. I didn’t know what I could say to get him to release her and even if I did, no one would’ve been able to hear me over AJ’s yelling anyway.

Jared took several deep breaths and I realised that the tension in his shoulders and arm wasn’t because he was choking her, but because he wasn’t. It was taking all of his restraint not to squeeze and that made my blood run cold. I shot AJ a glance, the sinking feeling in my stomach at war with the spikes shooting through me as I looked at him.

He had stopped yelling, seeming to realize that his sister wasn’t actually being hurt but the hatred on his face spoke louder than anything he could’ve said.

 “Terminar la frase. Yo te atreves[JC1] .” The words came out low and controlled and even though I didn’t know what atreves meant I figured it was a threat of some kind since the first bit had been finish that sentence.  

She licked her lips, blinking rapidly even as she shook her head the little bit that she could. He stared at her for another moment before slowly releasing her, his motions just as tight and controlled as his voice had been moments before.

He took a step back, still looking at her before inhaling loudly and looking at me, his expression going from angry to apologetic.

“I’m sorry about that. My control is shaky tonight.” I stared at him, not sure what to say before deciding to pretend like that just hadn’t happened.

“I’m sorry, but um, I still don’t understand what any of this has to do with me.” I broke eye contact after I spoke, the hope in his eyes making me extremely uncomfortable because despite what he might think I still wasn’t convinced he was my brother.

My eyes flitted around the room, brushing over Evan and pausing on Vince before skipping over AJ because it hurt too much before landing on Anita. I inhaled deeply as I took in her expression. She hadn’t moved from where she’d been when Jared had grabbed her, instead she was touching her throat with the tips of her fingers and I watched as a tear slowly made it’s way down her cheek.

There were a lot of things that you could call Anita, but ugly wasn’t one of them, even with tears streaming down her face, her expression devastated before she pulled herself together, wiping the tears away while I struggled to compose myself, pushing the pain away even as I watched Anita, her pain causing me a twisted kind of pleasure and made it easier for me to detach myself from the situation since this was clearly her drama. Not mine.

“Got her pregnant and left to get to him so he was going to use you to get to me,” Jared said, his voice breaking into my thoughts. I had missed the first few words of his sentence but I got his drift and I frowned, my hand pressing into my stomach as I shot a quick glance at him before refocusing on Anita.

AJ said something in Spanish, his tone level but dripping with a viciousness that made me flinch even though I didn’t look at him, my eyes focused on Anita who looked as if she didn’t care but was staring at Jared with an intensity that made a lie of the way she had seemed to relish his pain when I had refused his claims of being my brother.

“Jose is not mine. I know what she told you AJ and she lied. I may not have loved her like she wanted me too but I did care. And she cheated. Why would I want someone else’s leftovers?” Jared said in English, dismissing AJ’s words easily. I watched as Anita’s eyes skittered away from him, regret flashing over her face before she sneered, her pretty face taking on an ugly cast as she shook her head.

“You’re a lying son of a bitch. My sister’s not a whore.” He said more but I had stopped listening, fascinated by the way Anita had flinched, pain flashing across her face before she tried to pull her mask back on.

“Do you hear him?” I blinked, coming back to my situation as Jared addressed me, his voice taking on a pleading tone as he stared at me.

“I don’t see what that has to do with me. I don’t know you,” I stumbled over my words as he recoiled slightly, like I had attacked him. I forced the rest out in a rush of words, “and even if I was who you think I am, I don’t… I just want to go home.”

“Okay. This is a lot to take in, entiendo. I’ll drop you home and we can talk about it later.”

I shook my head. “I came with AJ, I’m leaving with AJ.” My enunciation was shot to hell since I knew he wouldn’t like what I had to say, especially since I didn’t like what I had to say. But I wanted AJ to tell me his side. I needed him to tell me his side.

“He’s using you!” I jumped; his anger and frustration coming through in his rough shout. I moved back when he reached for me, Sean stepping between us when it became clear that he was going to walk forward.

“Why is it you and Vince seem to think my sister needs to be protected from me? I’m not the one who hurt her.”

“No, you’re just the one scaring her.”I flinched at the look Jared shot him, but Sean didn’t budge, spreading his legs slightly and just stared him down. Or up, since Jared was quite a bit taller than him.

He glanced at me and I stepped back, hand curling around Missy’s when she grabbed it reassuringly. I blinked rapidly, not looking away even as guilt twisted its way through the other emotions curling through me, eating its way through my skin and leaving behind a trail of heat and pins thanks to the hurt I could see in his eyes.

I swallowed the apology that wanted to leave my lips because this wasn’t my fault, he was the one who was ruining my life and I glared at him, hate festering just beneath my skin for making me feel bad when it wasn’t my fault.

It must’ve shown in my eyes because he broke eye contact first, his right hand moving to his ear as Sean spoke to him quickly and quietly. I swallowed when he tugged on his ear in agitation, the move so familiar it made my stomach turn. I stopped myself from tugging on my top lip, instead moving it to play with my necklace before I remembered who had given it to me and I let it go as if it burned.

 “Fine. Let him go. Judi, I’ll help carry your things to the car.” I stared at him blankly only realizing what he meant when he started for a corner of the room that had all of the decorations I had been ecstatic to receive just a few hours ago.

“No, thank you. I’m fine,” I said quickly, signing the words as I spoke automatically. I didn’t want to come right out and say I didn’t want anything to do with them but I didn’t want them near me, not now.  He had his back to me so I couldn’t see his expression but I still saw his shoulders stiffen and his hands curl into fists, before he gave a short laugh.

He turned around slowly, the move looking threatening even though he didn’t say anything to me and I looked at his jaw, not wanting to see the pain in eyes the same colour as mine even though the way it was clenched didn’t help lessen my anxiety.

“I’m not asking you, Judith. Before you found out they were from me you wanted them, so you’re going to get them. Sean and Vince will drop it by your house since apparently they know where you live.” I didn’t bother to refuse again, just nodded which made him give another harsh little laugh that would’ve broken my heart if I hadn’t been trying my best to keep it from shattering as it was.

Because while the two of us had been ‘discussing’ my unwanted party favours AJ I had been waiting for AJ to come to me, to do something to show that he cared but the only person by me was Missy. I knew without looking that he had gone to Anita, which was logical because she was his sister and she had been choked but at the same time, it hurt.

Which was surprising, you’d figure when it came to AJ I would’ve become a bit immune. Missy gave my hand a squeeze and I forced myself to look away from AJ, raising my eyebrows as she stared at me in concern.

“Como estas?”I tried to smile but my facial muscles didn’t seem to be working properly so instead I just wrinkled my nose, opening my mouth to tell her I was fine but a little gasping noise came out instead.

I looked away, for the first time feeling shame trying to crawl it’s way into the little cocktail of feelings brewing inside of me but I shut it down even as I took a deep shaky breath, my eyes once again on AJ and his sister.

My throat began to close up and I knew that in a few moments I would cry and then I would have a reason to feel ashamed but at the same time I couldn’t look away. It was ridiculous, I just found out that my boyfriend may or may not have ruined my life and I took it all fairly well but to see him comforting someone who loathed me, even if she was his sister, made me want to curl up into a little ball and sob.

“Keep it in just a little longer Judi, please,” Missy said quietly giving my hand another squeeze. I nodded, closing my eyes and taking another deep breath in an attempt to force air into my lungs.

“Oy, Monstruo, dame las llave! Ella necesita aire fresco[JC3] .” Missy didn’t bother to hide the disgust in her voice, her tone curt and to the point.

“Missy!” My eyes flew open at her words a part of me not believing she would actually call him that and I stared to tell her not too but the words died in my throat because once again AJ drew all of my attention, the expression on his face giving me hope before it disappeared and he looked at Missy.

“I’ll take her home.”

“Yes you will. But Judi needs air and you need to deal with que imbécil.” Anita responded back in Spanish, her expression making it clear that the things she was saying weren’t complimentary not that Missy cared. Instead of responding he took a deep breath before holding her hand up in the air. “Just give me the keys.”

AJ looked at her before nodding and pulling them out, tossing them to her before turning back to his sister. Missy caught them with ease and she didn’t bother to thank him, instead she indicated I should head for the door and pulled me with her, not even glancing at Vince when he moved to open the door for us.

I hadn’t even noticed that he had moved after releasing AJ but from the way Missy’s jaw tightened and the concentrated way she avoided looking at him it was clear she had.

I didn’t have the luxury and I raised my eyebrows trying to ask him why but he just shook his head slowly.

We made it outside with absolutely no fuss, and I figured that even this crowd knew better then to try and stop and talk when Missy looked like she would gut anyone who so much as said boo to her and I knew my face must have been twisted into a grimace because it felt so tense.

The walk to the car was silent and I felt as if I was doing the walk of shame except Missy didn’t let go of my hand until we were at the car. Missy broke the silence first as she opened up the driver’s side, sliding into the car and opening up my door before she spoke.

“If you don’t want to see him I’ll drive you home. He deserves to be stranded.” I shook my head, managing a small smile.

“Thanks but no, I do want to talk to him. I want to apologize in advance for what will probably be the most awkward car ride you’ll ever have though.” I had wanted the words to come out light and playful but they fell flat and the words sounded mumbled and pushed together, like I was speaking around a too large mouthful of food.

I tried to repeat myself but clearer only to have Missy raise her hand and put it over my lips.

“No worries, I’m catching a ride home with one of my brothers. And for the record, the most awkward car ride I’ll ever have has already happened. Being in the car with your mother after hearing her say you should’ve been the one to almost get beaten to death instead of your brother is a special kind of hell. But look at me, better and stronger because of it.” She managed the light tone a lot better than I had, she even smiled when she spoke but the intensity of her gaze made it clear how serious she was.

I wanted to tell her that I was sorry to hear that, and that it wasn’t true but she still had her hand on my mouth. Not that it mattered since she seemed to be able to read my mind.

“I’m over it, chica. My brothers might be shits but they’re supportive shits. And, fuck, I suck at this but I just want you to know that I have your back alright? No matter what, you’re still my girl. I’ll text you later to find out if you feel like having company.”

I nodded, leaning away when it looked like she was going to give me a hug and moving her hand from my lips.

I gave her a watery smile, not minding when she climbed out of the car without touching me again since my skin once again felt too small and overly hot at the thought of having to deal with AJ by myself.

 “Missy… do you think… What do you think? What should I do?” I called out before she could close the door, wishing she could give me something reassuring but knowing that she wouldn’t sugar coat anything for me.

She smiled sadly and shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t know. AJ can be brutal but I never would’ve said he was cruel. You have to make him tell you his reasons, even if their not enough, even if you just want to forget about it and shove it to the back, make him tell you. Remember, it’s never too late for violence.” She gave me a small smile and I tried to return but it hurt to blink, so an actual smile was beyond me.  

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 [JC1]Finish that sentence. I dare you.

 [JC3]Hey, monster, give me the keys. She needs fresh air.